‘Jurassic World Rebirth’ finally killed dinosaur movies for me

Dinosaur movies, you’re dead to me. Not just dead, actually. Comet-leveling extinct.

I gritted through all 2 hours and 14 minutes of “Jurassic World: Rebirth” (now in theaters) and the story it attempts to tell between dinosaur glam shots and deliciously devoured humans. Yet as the “Rebirth” forever credits rolled, showing each member of the army of special-effects artists, I vowed this was my last dinosaur movie.

To be specific, this covers any “Good Dinosaur” sequel, Barney reboot and the “Jurassic Park” franchise, including “World” or whatever rebranding titles pop up like Cayman Islands shell companies. And let’s include any movie set in the Triassic and Cretaceous periods, as well as the all-encompassing Mesozoic Era, just to be safe.

I swore a similar (if less ironclad) oath three years ago, at the end of “Jurassic World Dominion,” which rolled in at 2 hours and 27 minutes. Even reuniting the “Jurassic Park” holy trinity of Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum, “Dominion” could have been a franchise extinction-level event.

“Jurassic World: Rebirth” lured me back, emphasizing words like “rebirth” and casting Scarlett Johansson as the tough but big-hearted mercenary, understood only by a fellow soldier, played by Mahershala Ali. That pairing, and the prospect of more Dolby Sound T-Rex screams – well, I was hooked again.

Here’s a polite sampling of what finally killed dinosaur movies for me:

Sidekick Dolores is a merchandising addition too far

I may have yelled out loud when Dolores, the overly adorable baby Aquilops, appeared and became besties with pint-sized Isabella Delgado (Audrina Miranda). This is the most blatant “Jurassic” attempt to lure kids and sell Walmart merchandise. Of course, Dolores was going to save the day for the entire Delgado family, which she did – adorably – without dying. So the animatronic star is ready for any sequel.

Let’s stop the admiring dinosaur shot

In the original 1993 film, “Jurassic Park”, Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) shakily removes his sunglasses and alerts the awestruck Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) before the audience sees the Brachiosaurus eating the tree. It’s iconic. But replaying various versions of this wide-eyed wonder in every “Jurassic” movie is too much. We don’t need slack-jawed star confirmation that the major reveal is awesome. Besides, in 2025, who wouldn’t be taking a selfie or start Vlogging?

Product placement really killed the dinosaur movie

The floating Snickers bar wrapper that causes a disastrous containment breach and releases the Distortus Rex is funny and prompts the question, “Did Mars pay for that?”

But the bludgeoning of product placement that followed would make self-respecting moviegoers cover their eyes, especially in the conveniently located convenience store. Dinosaurs carefully trodding past shelves of various suspiciously well-positioned snack foods is a Frito too far.

Don’t look like me after pickleball onscreen

The shipwrecked family, led by beleaguered everyman Reuben Delgado (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo), didn’t work for a few reasons. However, my official gripe centers on Reuben’s injury from heroically saving his daughter amid rocks and rubble. If you’re going to limp during an entire blockbuster movie, there’d better be blood, bone, or bandage. Otherwise, you just look like sore me after pickleball on an IMAX screen. And it’s not a good look.

One final ‘Jurassic’ fatality came back to life

The dinosaur deaths in “Rebirth” are top-notch. Rupert Friend arrives, seemingly wrapped in dinosaur cheese, as the tastily-named baddie Martin Krebs. Krebs just screams righteous dinosaur death, and the slightly regurgitated villain went down like a superstar.

But you don’t have to be evil to die by dinosaur. The natural order requires that even some beloved characters die — like dinosaur-distracting Duncan Kincaid (Ali). Kincaid saves the day, luring the Distortus rex away using a flare. It’s hokey as heck, as the dinosaur suddenly slows down rather than just killing him already. But it’s a heroic Kincaid sacrifice made more powerful by certain death. Except it wasn’t, as director Gareth Edwards brought the dead character back at the studio’s suggestion.

However impressive, dinosaur special effects don’t cut it

“Jurassic” directors tend to push the latest technological CGI advances too far to push the wow envelope. Dr. Henry Loomis (Jonathan Bailey) gleefully touching the leg of a massive Titanosaurus is one of the more jarringly cartoonish moments that detract from the value. The final “Rebirth” scene, featuring a pod of diving dolphins, suggests the special effects budget had been exhausted.

“Rebirth” made $318 million at the global box office over the five-day holiday weekend, and will bring back more dinosaurs to the screen. But I’m out. Just hook me up with some PBS series, “Walking With Dinosaurs” or a replay of “Jurassic Park,” which still has that same bite.

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